"Mad" at myself.

My error was to give
My error was to show you how much I could have loved you.
My error was my impetus and intensity.
My error is the cause of the fail.
The cause of many fails...

When I have sworn not to give, not to show, not to love,  because the moment I do, everything crumbles, I  try to open up once again, and once more I am greeted with rejection.

I  seem to be addicted to the feelings of both, happiness and disgraced,  because I keep changing paths, but somehow end  up tripping with the same stone.

Me before You.

    There are days when sadness overcomes my heart, and to try to divert it, I think about you. But then the thought hunts me, and the happiness you once created, becomes sadness.   I can't deal with this madness...

    Those days your dissapearing seems like a punishment bestowed upon me.
 Other thoughts invade me, they provoke me panic, and jealousy, and end up breaking me. I could even say, you break my heart without knowing.

   Woe it's me and my heart, to which my counciousness yells that I am not even an option, and points out my flaws.
  So I seems to me I am condemned to  forever be, that person who longed for a love that will never be. 

Mammillaria Zeilmanniana

   
     So rare, and beautiful, intangible.
Pure and innocent looking, but with a deep temperament.
Touching is a sin that you pay at a high cost
The pain is deep and the scars last long.

Touch it if you will, a dare, a challenge.
Your blood will be consumed and stay in its rooths.
Touch it with your eyes, and you will comprehend
The rarity of its pure beauty.

Mammillaria Zeilmanniana

Picture from google.Fine print: Valentino Vallicelli

Like the silk

 The coldness that passes through my fingers, 

like the silk, that caresses the skin. 

It's your gaze of multiple complexion 

that burns and cools me deep.

The casting of your shadow
that I never cease to seek;

The torture.
 My torment, 

The love I'll never give.

A cold heart  that desires to be loved
The irony of the Century,
When finds out that love for it is forbidden.

The coldness that passes through my fingers,
 if anyone could see,
 the beauty of this "suffering"
 that is within me.

Your goddess

 My unconscious tells me
To prepare for a heart ache.
You are reaching the clouds
And then you will seduce the goddess.

I will see how she falls into your arms
And you do the impossible not to let her go.
While jealousy invades my heart,
And pain once again consumes me.

I'll be all full with pain, to be dismissed I the
Worst gentle possible way.
To be ignored and to hear you say
I can't hang out today.
Must worship my goddess.

I will learn how to stand,
Being secluded and invited to hang out,
With you, and your goddess.
I will learn to like her.
But I'll burn to the site of you giving her all
Your attention, and the love I could never get,
And I'll burn until I am re born again
And see why she is what you deserve.

Tick Tock.

Time passes and I hear the ticking
of the clock on the wall.
You by my side, calm and  happy
Me, by your side distracted by the sound.

The sound that, it's keeping me awake right now
The sound that interrupted while we hang out
The sound that, bother me so much, because
I haven't heard it in months.  Why now?

I want to wrap myself on your arms
 and cup your face on my hands
But the sound it's stronger now and I  can't
Do anything but to try to ignore it.

While doing this, I remember the past
The hours spend with you that I'll never get back
Much investment I have.
So little gotten back.
Must not feel guilty of that,
Because it's what I wanted.

I heard you once say that, you give
When I want, but not necessarily will happen
You sounded so sure of that, a small wound
Was made in my heart.

Maybe this is an obsession?
But now I restrain from our indiscretion
Because every time that I want to show you
How I feel, if your hand doesn't push me
Your speech will.

Dismissed

  I wonder if you will ever ask

What had changed? Why so sudden?

But, why would you  ask?

When it's clear you don't want this.

I run my hand on your hair.

And you take my wrist and place 

My hand away.

You do want love, but you rather find it 

In someone else.

A hard catch, a "worthy" prey

And then you complain 

That no one is willing to stay.

I continue, stupidly trying

Why am I doing  this? 

I  have ask myself  a few times

Strangely enough,  I don't feel like 

You have wasted my time.

Since  I have invest so much, to have your trust

For you that is all,

For me it's not enough .

I cup your face in my hands

I wrap myself in your arms

I have kiss you tenderly, and

I have kiss you with passion.

We have let our bodies enjoy a possible IF

None of that you want.

Or at least, not from me.

I know you can't love me.

I know you never will, so,

excuse me for making you feel

wanted, some day it will go away.

So, why woud you ask?

It's not a surprise

Where did my attentions go?

When you didn't want it.

The Lesson

  I'm going all wrong again.

Always attaching to the unavailable.

Always looking for something, when 

nothing exists.

 For that, I won't blame you, fair warning 

I received.

Seems that, the more I give you, the faster I lose you

And the old would bleeds again.

It's almost as if the soul is not happy if feels no pain.

More clearly I see the lesson, you,  my beautiful lesson

for  I been presented with the topic before, I have never been so purposely prepared to make mistakes.

You, my mistake, the one I choose to make, but shouldn't. Why is it so wrong to choose what's right? 

But feels so right to choose what's wrong? 

We both have yet to learn.

I have yet to lean...

My lesson it's easy; my lesson is to not beg for your love.

Yet, I give you pieces of me freely, and quietly  keep holding up to a false hope.

My lesson, becomes each time more clearly, 

When I hear you want to spend the time with me, just for fun.

My lesson, becomes hard, when you  mention the  future and I'm not in it, the way I want to be.

My lesson becomes harder, when you  walk away from me.

Author of quote- Unknown 

Quote, Taken form a fb post

Your love is pure

 Reminiscing about that night.
The night I don't  want to forget.
The night I have wanted after I met you.

I felt your heart.
Your passion.
Your desire.
Your intensity.
And your possible love.

I  want it
I want it all.

I want to feel protected in your arms.
I  want to feel your love, in your embrace.
I want to feel wanted with your kiss.

Countless Ways, Countless Times.

   You always let me down gently.
I have forgotten, how many times you have.
So many different ways, to make it obvious, to make me understand thst you don't want to feel again so much pain, and regret, and fear from your part.
I don't fear, I don't care about the pain, seems like I almost want to regret.
But I don't.

I don't fear, because I know I won't let you down.
I don't feel pain, even thought your rejections try to make me  feel  it.
I don't foresee regret, because I know I can love you like no one has.

But you do.
You fear, losing me. Because you want me in your life
You fear causing me pain, because you have caused pain in the past.
You fear regretting the possibility of  "US." Because I might walk away, and leave you alone, in your loneliness, and drown in sadness for not being able to love me.

And I understand your reasons
But my heart keeps on insisting.
Maybe, I am trying to sabotage myself.

Failure of the Huntsman Hunt. Poem.

                      Sep 30 2018

  Thinking of you in the morning,
Thinking of you at night.
I'm inebriated by the thought of you.

It started to take a toll in my sanity.
And when I try to avoid the thought of you ,
There is always something that brings you to my mind.
I cannot escape.
I am prey of your hunt, but when I look back,
There is no huntsman hunting me.

Escaping from you.

     The more I try to escape from your chains
The tighter  they become.
I walk the world thinking about not thinking of you,
And yet there is always something that reminds me.

Pop ups of you, here and there and everywhere,
Messes up with my mind.
I'm not supposed to  remember you here, this is my "safe place" away from the thoughts of you.

But here you are.
In a  abstract form.
Absent and present in the same realm.

disconformity

As I began to  change my mind
As I start to walk towards the light,
I feel the need for company.
As I look back, no one is there
In front, a mistery. 
Yet, I know in my heart I'm not completely alone.

But I think:
 A figure next to me will be nice too.
A tangible creature.
One that celebrates my company as much as I will celebrate theirs. 
Physical touch  is all we'll need,
 to be contempt  for the  hour.

This second soul is here.
Asleep
Wanting to walk by itself,
Looking up to me for care.
He, is not human.
But our interactions are short,
and I still yearn for company.

It's just the disconformity of my human nature.

You Opened the Door and...

You Opened the Door and...

  As I enter in your life
I see the genuinity of your soul,
The inmense amount of  love that you
have reserved in your heart.

I feel valued, and  I feel happy
I feel you can be  part of my life
Just as I am in yours.

If only... I  was deserving Of your love,
 but the ingredients are missing,
The connection is absent, and I just feel restrained
to act in a way where I end up losing you completely, perhaps, that is the beauty of our friendship.

Image credited 

Open Door. Exellent Door Open Door By Le Dahu Throughout 

http://storez.co/open-door/#

Open door | Alexander Gallier | Flickr

... Open door | by Le dahu 

If you ever

   If you ever change your mind

Let me know,  so I can make you mine.

If you ever change your mind, hopefully it's not too late.

Fight

You are my fantasy,
My erotic thoughts  revolve around you.
I constantly  fight to tame them, it frightens me
that one day they will conquer me and make me act upon them.

For now, I only get the delight of your smile
The tenderness of your voice,  and the energy
You emit, it turns me on, and calms me down.
I long for your touch, for your kiss, for you.

Constant fight against those feelings, because I've been denied of yours.

Questions & Answers

Question:
    What type of girl do you like?

Answer:
Hot ones. The ones that even I, consider to be hot ones.
Those ultra feminine, with perfect hair and perfect make up, and slim bodies.
With a tiny waist.

Questions: like her?
Girl on her 20s  enters, her waist is so  tiny, that her clothes look bigger on her,  small breast, perfectly blonde bleached hair, all in it's place. She has a precious  face, and a little tan. Clear eyes.

What I see,
Girl on her 20s, super tiny waist, with perfectly applied make up, bronzer tone of make up too. Small breasts, over sized clothes, Eyebrows drawn, they look good, but  the eyes are interesting, her contact lenses where somewhere between green and blue, not sure if her eye lashes are hers naturally, or hers because she purchase them o  the store, I don't remember, and I do t want to remember. Mostly the reason I don't  remember  it's because I got distracted by 2 things. Her large acrylic  nails,  those made me self conscious about mine, that are so terribly  cared for, in fact, I still had green nail polish  from the previous day. 
And You.
You paced, you knocked stuff down, you where acting so nervous, you even stood by her side a few times.
I understood then.
You were experiencing a crazy attraction towards her, towards her femininity, her  fragile looking body.
You were so nervous that your brain stoped functioning properly for those 5 minutes of my interaction.
No wonder you let me step in, to talk to  her instead.

Question:
How did I felt?
Intrigued by  your reactions  and ugly, I was physically overshadowed  by all that beauty.
All that together, tired me.
It's too much to be so calm and  collected on the outside While experiencing storms in the inside.
No, I was not jealous of  her, or your reactions.
I was intrigued by all.
I was also sad, since I am not interested on such things like make up, and countoring and fake eye colors and  fake nails, and fake hair color.
But I do wish to look like that too. I am torned apart.

Question:
What about natural beauty?
Well, I a, not as attractive  for you, so that is also a downside of things.
What about personality?  Perhaps you  like it a little,  but it's not enough for you to desire me as a woman.

Question:
How was your ex girlfriend?
Was she, as femenine as her?  Or a total disaster like me?  I am still curious.

Answer:
I haven't asked you, I rather you volunteer that information instead, but I am, getting closer  to desperation to know so that I can learn, what type of woman you really like.

Popsicle

Don't pretend you don't want to.
Because I know you do.
You've been  making yourself present.
And looking  for excuses to touch me.
A soft pat, a teasing  hand brushing my skin
grasping an object from me.
It makes me want more.
The caress is intoxicating, and I can only think
Of your sweet gentle touch, and your hands exporing my body.

Do (n't) want

I want to tease you,
I want to thrill your mind
And make you mine.

But quickly you place me back
To where you think I should belong.
I am wondering, am I wrong? Or are you?

What is it?

 What are you  looking for?
Would you ever find It?
Would you find it in me?

What are you looking for?
Do I have it?
Tell me, I can't continue with the uncertainty...